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Binstructions

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Commonly ignored guidelines – such as the directions to leave a microwaved meal after cooking for two minutes ‘to stand’.

(cf: binutes)

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Minification

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The soothsaying appearance of Mini Coopers in a neighbourhood; the first sign of urban gentrification – precedes delicatessens, gastropubs and Starbucks by approximately 12 months

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Paper staring

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Being so bored on a delayed journey that you re-read the only newspaper you have, in the vain hope you’d missed something

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Crimbo Limbo

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That bit between Xmas and New Year when nothing happens

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Midriff crisis

The expanding waistline that comes with heading towards 40

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Chadwick

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A film trailer that gives away too much of the plot

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Hat lag

Continuing to wear unseasonal clothing in denial of winter’s arrival

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Hell’s help

The hackneyed bits of guff during on-hold messages that those listening don’t believe and those making it don’t think about

“All our call-handlers are very busy”, “we apologize for the delay” and “Your call is important to us”

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Remote rage

The interminable sixty seconds of copyright at the start of a DVD that you can’t fast-forward through

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The slippy grip

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Unexpectedly having to shake hands after a trip to the bathroom. You know they’re wet because you’ve washed them, but the other person can’t help suspecting that it’s wee

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fauxthentic

Giving your upmarket bar a downmarket name. eg, The Fulham Bar and Eating House

Eating house??

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sacrificial staple

the first little metal fella in a new set of of staples, destined to be cast into the void after the ker-chunk “let’s staple-thin-air test” demonstrates that the machine still works after being refilled

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door tetris

The ignominy of taking four attempts to open a double door, e.g:

push left door (nope)
pull right door (nope)
push left door (nope)

finally… push right (and open)

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mini zorro

the universal swishy hand signal in a restaurant that signals “the bill please”

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The email of shame

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The follow-up mail you send that this time really does include the attachment you promised in the original email

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Going “cold budgie”

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Withdrawal headaches from giving up coffee

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Eschering

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The process of re-recording your voicemail greeting over and over again until it sounds right – though of course it never quite does

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Binutes

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The minutes of an awayday that are forgotten once you’re back at the office

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Rock Goggles

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The phenomenon of people who’d not warrant much of a second-glance in normal life become sex gods when they’re in a band and wear shades

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Liddeling

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The disconcerting way people alter their tone of voice when saying goodbye on a business call from their conversational norm to a inappropriately intimate, breathy, whispery bye…

“Ok, thanks. See you later. Yep. Bye. bye…