Commonly ignored guidelines – such as the directions to leave a microwaved meal after cooking for two minutes ‘to stand’.
(cf: binutes)Author: carlosfandango
My favourite biscuits are custard creams
Minification
The soothsaying appearance of Mini Coopers in a neighbourhood; the first sign of urban gentrification – precedes delicatessens, gastropubs and Starbucks by approximately 12 months
Paper staring
Being so bored on a delayed journey that you re-read the only newspaper you have, in the vain hope you’d missed something
Crimbo Limbo
That bit between Xmas and New Year when nothing happens
Midriff crisis
The expanding waistline that comes with heading towards 40
Chadwick
A film trailer that gives away too much of the plot
Hat lag
Continuing to wear unseasonal clothing in denial of winter’s arrival
Hell’s help
The hackneyed bits of guff during on-hold messages that those listening don’t believe and those making it don’t think about
“All our call-handlers are very busy”, “we apologize for the delay” and “Your call is important to us”Remote rage
The interminable sixty seconds of copyright at the start of a DVD that you can’t fast-forward through
The slippy grip
Unexpectedly having to shake hands after a trip to the bathroom. You know they’re wet because you’ve washed them, but the other person can’t help suspecting that it’s wee
fauxthentic
Giving your upmarket bar a downmarket name. eg, The Fulham Bar and Eating House
Eating house??sacrificial staple
the first little metal fella in a new set of of staples, destined to be cast into the void after the ker-chunk “let’s staple-thin-air test” demonstrates that the machine still works after being refilled
door tetris
The ignominy of taking four attempts to open a double door, e.g:
push left door (nope)pull right door (nope)
push left door (nope) finally… push right (and open)
mini zorro
the universal swishy hand signal in a restaurant that signals “the bill please”
The email of shame
The follow-up mail you send that this time really does include the attachment you promised in the original email
Going “cold budgie”
Withdrawal headaches from giving up coffee
Eschering
The process of re-recording your voicemail greeting over and over again until it sounds right – though of course it never quite does
Binutes
The minutes of an awayday that are forgotten once you’re back at the office
Rock Goggles
The phenomenon of people who’d not warrant much of a second-glance in normal life become sex gods when they’re in a band and wear shades
Liddeling
The disconcerting way people alter their tone of voice when saying goodbye on a business call from their conversational norm to a inappropriately intimate, breathy, whispery bye…
“Ok, thanks. See you later. Yep. Bye. bye…“