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purves

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rogue over-the-shoulder seatbelts in a black cab that won’t budge whether pulled forcefully, teased gently or sworn at

purving – to tug pointlessly at said seatbelt whilst hoping the driver doesn’t bump into anything

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fruitile

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The inevitability that 90% of clementines in a brimming fruitbowl will end up being thrown away

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tubescence

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the victorious feeling when an arriving tube comes to a standstill with its doors exactly where you are – giving you a clear run at the last available seat

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half-butler

The joy at getting past the halfway point in a paperback

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Neolojism

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a new rude word

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Choc bottom

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To reach that point where you have eaten so much bad food (esp. over xmas) that you finally get the motivation to go on a diet/start exercising

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loosing it

Annoyance at seeing lose invariably mis-spelt as loose

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smessing up

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Comic mis-spellings created by errant use of mobiles phones’ inbuilt text dictionaries. e.g. I wolf you up this morning (woke)

Smessing up can be serendipitous – buffle is an improvement on cuddle, for example

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Terrypole

The central spine of crumbly chocolate that cements the rest of the Terry’s Chocolate Orange together. A nice bonus bit you feel guilty about snaffling

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sleeplines

Waking up with marks on your body caused by deep sleep next to fabric patterns & creases. They often resemble spectacular body art or, one one memorable occasion, Scalextric tracks

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tonguebobble

Indecision about whether to bite off one of those tiny white spots at the end of your tongue

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binlifter

A person who distracts their tv-watching partner with random, unlikely fidgets

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Trundle Alley

The life-sapping parade of illuminated posters in airport terminals advertising business gadgets and management consultancies

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brownhouse

a person who comes across as a grumpy pants, but reality they’re just too ashamed of their bad teeth to smile

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talking stepladders

speaking utter guff in a very sincere voice whilst asleep

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fluffdating

finding a receipt in the pocket of a coat you haven’t worn for ages, allowing you to identify when you last wore it

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garricking

uncomfortable after-work team drinks arranged by a well-intentioned new manager, when you’d all rather be on your way home

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whuffcandle

the sense of relief when getting back into bed after having had a pee in the middle of the night, safe in the knowledge that you don’t have to get up again