Even Hans Christian Andersen couldn’t make it up. The princes of Denmark suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and still hung on to a one-nil win over the cloggy Dutch.
The Danes have recently become known for brutal thrillers and it was cheering to see their fans working that family-friendly, heart-warming entertainment into their fancy dress
Germany 1-0 Portugal
Ronaldo was left doing his Nick Clegg sad face as the Germans got off to a solid start – closet rockabilly Mario Gomez quiffing home the winning goal
Spain v Italy
What a mouthwatering mediterranean feast this should be. The reigning world and European champions come into the tournament as such favourites that just three Euroguffers (Andy Grey, Scotty McNasty and Harry Redface) have the Italians stopping the Spanish walking off with, ahem, a paella goals.
Ireland v Croatia
Come on Ireland! Giovanni Trapattoni’s boys arrive with a gesture-laden confidence. This poll in today’s Irish Independent is surely not a sign of inflated expectations:
Statistically slightly more valid league table
Yes, my wife is in the lead. I am not fixing it (but I am hoping to get out of mowing the lawn today)
| Tax name | Tax avoidance name | Total | |
| 1= | Brown Fox | Jim Chambers | 6 |
| 1= | Mrs Euroguff | Mrs Carlosfandango_ | 6 |
| 1= | Wheat Dodger | Leanne McGirr | 6 |
| 1= | Wicked Woy Wodgson | David Patterson | 6 |
| 1= | Swiss T | Thomas Angst | 6 |
| 6= | Andy Grey | Darren Holdaway | 4 |
| 6= | 2012sheds | Pete smith | 4 |
| 6= | Mike Bassett | Eamonn Newell | 4 |
| 6= | McFuddle ‘O Toole | Gordon | 4 |
| 6= | Strev87 | dave strevett | 4 |
| 6= | Steve Mclaren | JT | 4 |
| 6= | Don revie | Simon Andrews | 4 |
| 6= | Earsane Wanger | Paul Shaw | 4 |
| 6= | Toy Dodgson | Kelsey O | 4 |
| 6= | Arsenedof Nowhere | Darren Hanson | 4 |
| 6= | Septic Tank Charlton | Jeremy Crisp | 4 |
| 6= | Simoneo Huesserelli | Simon | 4 |
| 6= | Bring Back Bobby Robson | Dan Jamieson | 4 |
| 6= | Naven Johnson | Eddie Vassallo | 4 |
| 6= | Is Pele Playing? | John Orta | 4 |
| 6= | Toy Bodgson | Tom Barton | 4 |
| 6= | Soccer Sage | Mike Xenakis | 4 |
| 6= | Yankee’s Spankers | Dave Robertshaw | 4 |
| 6= | Vuvuzela | Sandra Benfer | 4 |
| 6= | Christophe Woodini | Chris Wood | 4 |
| 6= | Hatch’s Heros | Chris Matthews | 4 |
| 6= | Stevie’s Wunders | Steve Andrews | 4 |
| 6= | Del Garnett | Darren Gavigan | 4 |
| 29= | DK Willy | DK | 2 |
| 29= | Tim Henman | david hickson | 2 |
| 29= | Bayer Neverlusen | Rob Broome | 2 |
| 29= | Sepp Bladder | Carl Mesner Lyons | 2 |
| 29= | El Pringle | Keith Pringle | 2 |
| 29= | Simon Grayson | Paul Revy | 2 |
| 29= | roy the hodgson | harvey | 2 |
| 29= | B B Foot | Rory | 2 |
| 29= | Benny The Ball | Nick Townend | 2 |
| 29= | Scotty McNasty | Andrew Robb | 2 |
| 29= | Ronaldo McDonald | Cephas Howard | 2 |
| 29= | Jigsaw (goes to pieces in the box) | Matt Brooke-Smith | 2 |
| 29= | Harry Redface | Dan McGrath | 2 |
| 29= | George Osborne is a twat | Andy Young | 2 |
| 29= | Mr. Awesome | Geroge Pokorny | 2 |
| 29= | Kicker Conspiracy | Tim Fiddies | 2 |
| 29= | Canary | Simon Barnes | 2 |
| 29= | Gazza | Gary Taylor | 2 |
| 29= | Paulo Di Harringtonio | Paul Harrington | 2 |
| 29= | Mozzer | Paul Conroy | 2 |
| 29= | Fabio Crapello | Martin B | 2 |
| 29= | Anjusha Klins-Morinho | Anna Wilson | 2 |
| 29= | Trap A Tony | Tony Power | 2 |
| 29= | The Special [Measures] One | Tim Donnelly Smith | 2 |
| 29= | Messi Gardener | Johnny T | 2 |
| 29= | Claudio Inglesias Failte | Claude Tonna-Barthet | 2 |
| 55= | Dario Made-the-Gradi | David of Crook | 0 |
| 55= | Roy Hodgson | John Catterfeld | 0 |
| 55= | Tom Laidlaw | Tom Laidlaw | 0 |
| 55= | Ivor Greatidea | Steve Edney | 0 |
| 55= | Lorem Ipsum | Jon D | 0 |
| 55= | Bill Shankly | Bob Steadman | 0 |
| 55= | Hansi Mueller | Bernd Friedle | 0 |
| 55= | Big Ron Colonel Saunders | Andrew Hartland | 0 |
| 55= | Normski Gunner | Norman House | 0 |
| 55= | Letina lotagoals | Berry | 0 |
| 55= | Dirk Diggler | Nik Goodman | 0 |
The official Euro 2012 logo, which pops up as a TV interstitial with remarkable frequency. Questionned by the official Mrs Euroguff as “What’s that f@%king bit of lung?”